Holding Faith with our Transgender Neighbors—Week 1: Why We Gather
Welcome to our workshop on holding faith with our transgender neighbors. Just showing up is a big step—an important step, a brave step. For some folks there may be some anxiety just opening the door to this discussion. Know that our desire at Holding Faith is to be a safe space. It's a safe space for gay, lesbian, bi, transgender and queer folks. But it is also safe space for people who are conflicted about those things. People who are not sure what they think.
So we want to just celebrate showing up. We want you to feel safe in this space, free to ask questions, free to have strong convictions and free to be uncertain. Free to not know everything. Remember that there is always a range of beliefs—in this group, in Christianity, in our community. I don't have all the answers. This will be a space where we can share resources with each other.
Building empathy
We will begin each week by sharing a first-person narrative from someone within the LGBTQ community—all but the first one from someone who identifies as transgender or non-binary. We want to prioritize their voices, their stories. And yet, it can be uncomfortable or even threatening in these fraught times for a transgender person to be a part of the open, honest discussions we want to foster. So drawing on the memoirs and writings of those within the community is a way for us to hear their voices and experiences without putting anyone at risk of harm or trauma.
We began this week with a excerpt from Glennan Doyle’s excellent book, Untamed. Glennan describes a speaking event in which one older participant described, with great hesitancy, their confusion and bewilderment at all of the changes around sexuality and gender identity: “Why is everybody so gay all of a sudden?”
Glennan responded with great humor and compassion. She begins by affirming the courage behind the question: “Thank you for asking a question most are too afraid to admit they have. Unasked questions become prejudices.”
She writes: “Everything doesn’t have to be so terrifying after all. This is just life, and we are just people trying to figure each other out. Trying to figure ourselves out...
“There are wild, mysterious forces inside and between human beings that we have never been able to understand. Forces like faith. Like love. Like sexuality. We are uncomfortable with our inability to understand or control these mysteries.
“So we took wild faith... and we packaged it into religions. We took wild sexuality– the mysterious undefinable ever-shifting flow between human beings—and we packaged it into sexual identities.
“It’s like water in a glass... We created these glasses to try to control uncontainable forces. Then we said to people: pick a glass—gay or straight. (By the way, choosing the gay glass will likely leave you unprotected by the law, ostracized by your community, and banished by God. Choose wisely).”
“So folks poured their wide, juicy selves into these narrow arbitrary glasses because that was what was expected. Many lived lives of quiet desperation, slowly suffocating as they held their breath to fit inside.”
And so, Glennan continues, someone, somewhere, had the courage to admit the “glasses system” didn’t work for them, that it wasn’t quite the right fit. And that courageous first step empowered someone else to raise their hand and say “me too.” “Then another person’s hand slowly rose and then another and another until there was a sea of hands, some shaking, some in fists—a chain reaction of truth, hope, freedom.
“I don’t know if gayness is contagious. But I am certain that freedom is.”
As we added more and more “glasses” until we understood that perhaps the glasses system itself was the problem. That faith, sexuality, and gender are fluid. Glennan writes: “Maybe courage is not just refusing to be afraid of ourselves but refusing to be afraid of others, too.”
How Gen Z changed its views on gender
Many of us can relate to the courageous honesty of the woman who raised the question. It can feel to us like everything is changing so rapidly. It can be disorienting.
An article in Time Magazine entitled “How Gen Z Changed its Views on Gender” confirms this experience. The article quotes a PEW 2022 study which found that only 1 out of 1,000 Boomers report they are transgender (one-tenth of 1%). But 23 out of 1,000 Gen Z young adults (2.30%) identify as trans. Fewer than 1% of Boomers identify as non-binary, but 5% of young adults identify as trans or nonbinary.
This can make it feel like gender diversity is a new thing. But gender diversity has always existed—in the animal kingdom and in human societies. We have always had gender diverse people in our communities, and many cultures have always recognized "two spirit" people, acknowledging—even honoring—gender diverse people.
And yet, to those of us in older generations, it may seem like it’s rising now. But as more and more adults come out, including older adults, we can see that it is not that diverse gender identities are actually any more prevalent but rather:
1. We have more knowledge about gender identity. People have a name for what they are experiencing.
2. To some degree, there is more acceptance, making it easier to come out. That is not to discount that there has been a significant and alarming backlash against transgender identity– which is precisely why we are gathering.
3. The rise of puberty blockers which allow youth who are experiencing gender dysphoria to put a pause on puberty and the development of secondary sex characteristics has given youth the space to explore gender identity to a greater degree than in the past.
Some recommended resources for this brave new world:
1. Hartke, Austen. Transforming: Updated and Expanded Edition
2. Soughers, Tara: Beyond a Binary God: A Theology for Trans Allies
3. Jennifer Finney Boylan: She’s Not There
4. Netflix documentary: Will and Harper
We will draw in particular from both Hartke and Soughers in this workshop.
Looking at Scripture: What's in a name?
We will spend time each week looking at Scripture, because even though Christians have a range of views of the Bible, most consider it authoritative. And Scripture is often the barrier—or used as a barrier—to inclusion. We will explore in greater detail the texts used to marginalize transgender Christians, but we will also look at some beautiful biblical stories of inclusion and welcome.
Today we are going to spend most of our time looking at names, labels, and definitions. But to start us off, we look at names in the Bible. Transgender pastor and author Austen Hartke writes: "Names are incredibly powerful things… our first name identities us as an individual, and our last name identifies us as part of a community. For transgender people, names can take on an additional sense of meaning. They become another way in which we express our gender."
And so it is interesting that the Bible itself contains many examples of renaming. In the book of Genesis, God changes the name of Abram (“exalted father”) to Abraham (“father of a multitude”) and his wife Sarai (“princess”) to Sarah (“mother of a nation”). In Num. 13 Moses changes Hoshea (“salvation”) to Joshua (“Yahweh saves”). A familiar example is found in Matt. 16:15-18 when Jesus changes the name of his disciple Simon (“one who hears”) to Peter (“the rock”).
A particularly poignant example of renaming is the story of Jacob in Gen. 32. Jacob’s story is messy and complicated. He is a bit of a scoundrel—cheating and deceiving his brother and father in order to receive a greater inheritance and blessings. He ends up having to flee his home as a result. It is in his journey far from home, that Jacob finds himself wrestling all night with an unknown being.
Jacob answered, “I will not let you go until you bless me.”
“What is your name?” the other asked. “Jacob,” he answered.
The other said, “Your name will no longer be called ‘Jacob,’ or ‘Heel-Grabber,’ but ‘Israel’—’Overcomer of God’—because you have wrestled with both God and mortals, and you have prevailed.” - Gen. 32:24-30
Hartke writes: "This imagery— this wrestling with God and humans—is incredibly familiar to transgender Christians who have spent a portion of their life grappling with their faith and their gender. Sometimes we have to fight to have our gender recognized, and sometimes we fight to be seen as Christians, and sometimes it feels as if we're just holding on to God with both hands and refusing to let go until God gives us something. That hunger and thirst for righteousness, for justice, for blessing, and for grace can leave us ecstatic when we finally receive it, but it can also leave us limping."
Renaming can be hard for friends, family and parents. But "using a transgender person's chosen name rather than their birth name shows basic respect, as well as demonstrating that you believe them to be who they say they are... Using their birthname can feel invalidating or malicious, and can even be dangerous as it might out the person as transgender and put them in danger.”
If you've been using the old name or pronouns for some time, it's inevitable you'll mess up. The advice we hear from transgender friends is just to apologize and quickly try again next time without making a fuss, which can be compound their discomfort. Some tips we’ve found helpful in relearning new names and pronouns.
• Practice, practice, practice—with a friend or loved one—every day.
• Some people who struggle with the grammar of they/them find it helpful to imagine a tiny mouse in the person's pocket to naturally refer to "they"
• Put your own pronouns on your email signature and zoom profile to normalize the practice. Add pronouns to your phone contacts so that when someone calls or texts you, you are reminded instantly of their pronouns.
• Consider printing out pictures of your friends or family members with their names/pronouns to review or pray for daily.
"Using a trans person’s chosen name shows them that you care for and support them, and studies have shown that having a chosen name used at home, at school, at work, or with friends reduced suicidal thoughts in trans youth by 29%."
The Beginner’s Guide to Gender
Author Tara Soughers writes: “For most groups who are in the minority, how they are named is an issue. It is those who have power in society who often assert the right to apply names—and while some groups may proudly take on the negative names and claim them as their own, most argue for the right to name themselves.”
This resonates with two general rules offered by Hartke:
#1. There’s a huge variety in the way LGBTQI2A people describe who they are. It can feel comforting to have strict definitions, but language is constantly changing, definitions shift in order to become more accurate or for different contexts.
#2: always prioritize the definition given by the person standing in front of you. That person understands their own identity better than anyone else, and it’s a gift to be able to learn from them.
Learning the language (from Transforming by Austin Hartke, ch. 2)
Today we will lay the foundation with ten basic definitions so we are on the same page in our discussions. We will expand and add to these definitions in future weeks. All definitions are drawn from ch. 2 of Hartke’s book.
1. There is a difference between gender and orientation. Your sexual or affectional orientation is about whom you are sexually and romantically attracted to, whereas your gender is your inner experience of identity. Being gay does not lead to being transgender. But while these they aren’t the same, they can sometimes intersect.
2. Gender binary: a social system in which it is assumed that all people can be divided into one of two genders. Gender roles have been broken down considerably in the past 100 years, yet are still enforced in many ways. Note that while the gender binary is the norm in white, Western contexts, other cultures may distinguish between up to seven different genders, and many different gender roles
3. A transgender person is someone whose gender identity does not match the sex they were assigned at birth. “Trans” or “transgender” is often used as an all-encompassing term to cover many different kinds of gender-expansive identities.
4. A cisgender person is someone whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth. They may express themself in ways that aren’t typical for their gender, but their gender identity and assigned sex are congruent.
5. People who dress or act in a way that is not typical of their assigned sex in their particular culture may be called gender-nonconforming or gender-expansive. Gender-expansive people, through their very existence, broaden their culture’s gender norms. However, someone expressing their gender differently doesn’t necessarily mean they’re transgender.
6. Gender dysphoria is the sense of incongruence, anxiety, dissonance, or distress that can be caused by the conflict between a person’s gender identity and their assigned sex. Not all transgender people experience dysphoria, but it is common. As we’ll hear in many of our first-person narratives, for some transgender people, gender dysphoria is just an occasional nudge in the back of their mind, but for others it can be completely debilitating.
7. A nonbinary person is someone who isn’t either a man or a woman, but has a gender identity that’s between or beyond those definitions. The acronym “NB” or “enby” are sometimes used as a shorthand. Much like “trans,” the term “nonbinary” sometimes functions as an umbrella term for anyone whose gender identity doesn’t fit within their culture’s definitions of either man or woman.
8. There are agender people, who may not have a sense of gender identity at all, or who may understand it cognitively but not experience it themselves. There are also bigender and pangender people who are more than just one gender, who may experience their gender identity as a multifaceted thing that combines or holds multiple genders at the same time.
9. Genderfluid and genderqueer refer to someone who has a gender identity that fluctuates between male, female, or another gender over time. Their experience of their gender identity and their gender expression may change from day to day or month to month, but it’s all a part of the person’s singular sense of self. (Note: because the word “queer” has historically been used as a slur, some people feel very strongly about not using it. Others love the ambiguity, and are part of a wide-ranging movement to reclaim “queer” and all its variations. See Hartke’s rule #2.)
10. Alongside all the identities above, some people also embrace culturally and ethnically specific gender categories. Gender-expansive people in North America often use the label Two Spirit. You can find gender-expansive people in Indigenous cultures around the world
This is a good starting point, one we will continue to build on. Again, ch. 2 of Hartke’s book Transforming is an excellent on this.
Why it matters (see Matthew Vines’ Unclobber, and The Trevor Project):
For those who are cisgender, this might seem like an academic discussion. But the research shows us otherwise. The implications of this work are significant.
According to the 2014 National Transgender Discrimination Survey:
90% of trans people experience discrimination or harassment at work
26% have been fired for who they are
57% have experienced significant family rejection
19% have become homeless due to their gender identity
70% have been a victim of either physical or verbal violence in a gendered bathroom (more about that in a future session)
Some particularly troubling statistics: In 2020, 44 transgender people were murdered in US and 375 worldwide— and these are just those we know about. Additionally, 41% of trans persons attempt suicide each year, compared to only 1.5% in the general population. Some take that as evidence that gender diversity is a mental illness. We will explore that more next week, but for now it’s important to note that transgender and non-binary youth who reported having at least one gender-affirming space had 25% reduced odds of reporting a suicide attempt in the past year. Which suggests the issue is not mental illness, but rather “minority stress”– something other members of marginalized communities who live with the continuous expectation of rejection, and fear of physical or emotional violence.
So a compelling reason for churches, families and communities to have these discussions is that it is literally life-saving.
Homework: Each week we will have a bit of homework, some small action you are encouraged to use to expand your understanding. This week’s assignment is a simple one: explore some church websites in your area, including that of your own faith community if you have one. Look at whatever words of welcome are found on the front page. List those that are explicit in inclusion, those that are vague, those that are excluded. Think about how you would feel as a transperson looking at those websites
Loving God, language can be complex and fluid and emotionally laden. The words we use can bring pain and division, or they can bring hope and healing. Help us to lean into that challenge. I thank you for this community that is willing to engage the hard questions. Help us to be agents of healing in both our words and our actions. Amen.